I was talking about you today, about the past... I mean, not in that way, but in the sister love we also had for eachother. I don't think you realise how much you still matter to me, I know we're still best friends but I can't wait for that gig :/ I'm sorry if this upsets you reading this, I only told him about our friendship, not how I'm feeling. I miss the contact, I miss the poptarts and fajitas, the bangles and that fucking journal, I never found out what you wrote about me. I miss the cottage and the bay, the seesaw and the wine at dinner. I miss your terribley uncomfortable sofa, and how that made it just that more comfortable. I miss Puma God's and custody over MCR. I miss City Boy and the chapters we never wrote, how positive our outlook on it was. I miss getting ready on Saturday mornings with your straighteners and the chair I can never quite balance on. I miss you throwing pens at me whilst I sleep and waking up to you laughing about how long it took me to react. I miss South Park and Family Guy. Saying good night to your brother and calling your mum 'mummy'. I miss how your bottom bunk was mine, and how you had my pj bottoms at one point and how I still have your shirt. I miss going to your house after school to see you, especially when you were always ill and I felt like I offered some form of comfort.

I'm sorry, I'm not sure what happened.

I think people might benefit from me not being around :/ honestly. I try to help and it goes unnoticed or thrown back in my face. I try tough love and I sound like a bitch and that doesn't work either. When will people realise, look at me and see that if they fuck themselves up they'll turn into me? The person they're proper sick of lately.

The other day I thought about it, long and hard. I was alone in the house, techically, my mother was sleeping and everything was too vibrant and it hurt my eyes and my head. My safe place was my room where all the demons lurk and it sounds crazy but they do, I don't actually mean demons - just mine. I've been so desperate to cut since Monday night and Luke has had to keep me up but it's not fair to put that all on him, he has his own stuff to deal with at the moment.

I don't know... things have been shit lately, my only refuge is a cigarette and break with Shaz and Jill, the nights at Luke's where I can forget. But you... you're sick of me, I can see it, college killed us. You never want to be around me, you're always making comments which put me down and I actually think you're meaning to. Can't you see this hurts me more than any pain could? What happened to living together and all of that? Are you going to do that with someone else? Someone better... yeah, I don't blame you. Every comment I make is stupid to you, I'm stupid to you but that's not your fault, I guess I just need to change. Fucking hell, please right, if I'm doing something wrong or annoying you then tell me nicely, the negative feedback most of the time or the 'just don't care attitude' which you only use with me is killing what little confidence I have. I know you'll read this and get angry but you need to know, I need to know.

I'm really sick of this, sick of you punishing the people who don't deserve it - the people who have nothing to do with it. Blanking people is just childish, I thought you'd know that. You keep asking why I've done this and I don't know why you bother trying to get me back, I've heard things. I know what you've done, you called yourself my friend and then I find out about this so why would I want that back? The one thing I had a huge hate of people doing and I found out you did it, after I trusted you not to - I don't care if it was a year ago, how dare you? You let me trust you with it through the next year and at any time you could have been doing the same thing. Why do you have to be so two faced about me? I found out some of the things you've said or some of the looks you've gave and it's really not fair. Don't you think I've got enough shit on my hands, all I ever asked for was for you to be my friend so I could rely on you sometimes when things got so bad, like you did to me and that wasn't ever enough for you, you always wanted the friendship to be pushed futhur and it ended up feeling like I had the whole responsibility of your life on my hands when they were already shaking with the effort of keeping my life from crumbling. You know I'm not cruel so stop acting like I've done this to hurt you, one of the main reasons I told you was because I was close to killing myself and that just made you want to be closer to me - yeah, like I could handle the guilt of you being heartbroken the second I mentioned wanting to kill myself. If I ever cried you always cried because I was crying and I ended up looking after you. I've always said I've hated being the reliant one in the friendship but now I can honestly say that I don't feel that way anymore. Sorry if this has hurt you, but you asked for it. Literally.

On a happier note, my mum might be giving up drinking. I know it probably won't happen but she's been getting liver pain so she's only having about 2 glasses of wine a night now but I don't think she can handle it. She's not sleeping and she's hallucinating when she is in bed, sweating and itching. It makes me sad to think that she really thinks that dying in about 2 years would be better than not getting a few nights sleep as she weened herself off it. Let's just hope that my hopes aren't up for nothing. I know she can do this if she tries, so I'm going to be tough with her until she realises that.

It don't have much energy for anything anymore, the days just go by and it feels like I'm wasting my time with everything I do - I constantly feel like there has to be something out there that I'm missing. It hasn't been this bad for a while, the radio murmer is back and it's beginning to creep me out in the dead of night when I should be sleeping but my ability to do that has ran away too.

I'm also finding out things about people, the lies they've told me in the past when they called me their best friend. I can't believe you said such cruel things, I really can't. Maybe you should have looked at yourself, one of us was guilty of those things but it wasn't me.

So, the depression has suddenley spiralled out of control over the past few weeks. I ended up cutting again and I'm not proud, at all, I'm not even getting the sick joy out of it anymore because it's only a necessary and a love. The depression is making me mad at people I shouldn't be mad at, selfish in all honesty and it almost made me dump Luke because I thought that was where the problem was but after a weekend of thinking I realised that it was me... I hope I can sort this because I don't want to lose another good thing.

I've still got that torch of hope for something, but I know if it ever got close enough I'd have to put it out - it's impossible, a dream which I can't reveal to anybody and it hurts every single day but not as much as the flame I guess.

Bad stuff has been happening at my dad's house. My sister came home, drunk and crying and wouldn't tell my dad what was wrong but he wouldn't drop it so she told him to fuck off... which Christine heard. Christine pushed me out of the room and also into a wall, I had a bruise for a few days but I'm not sure if it's still there. I heard her yelling at Liv and then I heard a slap... she slapped my sister. I kind of lost it and started smashing on the door screaming but I couldn't get in because Christine was there. The fight let out onto the hallway, I tried holding my sister back from Christine (Liv never actually got a hit in, she was too drunk) and ended up being pushed against the wall again. Liv trashed the living room, smashed the lamp and some family photos, threw a chair at my bedroom wall and trashed all the perfume bottles in the cupboards. I ended up having a panic attack and Christine tried to console me but I told her to get away from me. Then my sister pushed my dad down the stairs, there was a huge crash and he messed up his foot but it didn't break.

So I had to walk my sister to my mum's house at about 2am, in my pjyamas crying my eyes out. It wasn't good and I think that's how I got to this point.

I just... I don't know. I'm really beginning to think I need councilling, I was affored it at college by Carolin because I had to tell her about my panic attacks before team building which I was excused from. I think I need something stronger though, the last time I was like this I tried to kill myself.

I honestly do feel like just killing myself.

I feel worthless.
I feel like college won't help me amount to anything.
I feel like a lost cause.
I feel like an addict.
I feel broken.
I feel empty and then overpowered with emotions.
I feel like a mistake, poison of the womb.
I feel like I shouldn't be here, that I'm not needed.

I feel like people could deserve so much better.

Despite the fact I hate being ill like this, it's not always a bad thing. It gives me an excuse to force the sick up (when I feel sick, not for the sake of it... not anymore) and to be able to take too many paracetamols to make myself feel less pain. This is what I used to do last year all the time when I wasnt ill... I missed the tablets jammed in my throat and the feeling of two fingers tickling the back of my throat - followed by the rush of pulling out before the sick caught my hand.

 

I can't take this anymore. That text just sent me over the edge, but no, I can't even cut because I've got that fucking wedding on saturday.
Looks like I'm going to have to do it where no one will see. Let's hope they're faded by the time I see Luke, he'll see them. If not, he'll guess.

Wow, it's kind of disturbing how easily things like this can come back and shoot you in the face. Things that are saving me are killing me... I need to write, I can't, since I left school all my inspiration is gone and suicidalness was the only thing that was my muse. Guess what? I'm going to write tonight because I'm back to being just as suicidal as I was last year. It's for completely different reasons though. I'm not meant to be happy, not fully. I'm not meant to be needed and loved, my brain can't handle it. I can handle my other half loving me, I can give that back easily but I can't handle such love from friends rivalling it. I don't blame them, far from it, it's what friends are for but it's killing me.

Luke had to hold me as I had a panic attack on saturday night, I was crying for 2 hours straight and when we went to bed I was crying still and mumbling how pathetic I was being and I couldnt look him in the eye, he had to hold my jaw and keep my eyes open and move his face so I would look at him through the tears.

Just please, just this week is all I'm asking. Tuesday to friday, alone. Tomorrow I have to go to the hairdressers, wednesday I have to see Kat for a few hours and thats already gonna fuck up my panic attacks that won't stop coming, especially the hairdressers. Today, when I got home, my mum asked my what I had planned for the whole week because she hadn't seen me in days and I was 'too hard to get in contact with, always out, always busy' and then I tried to tell her I was sleeping out for another two days and I had to lean on the kitchen table and try to steady my breathing, my breath coming out sharp and harsh because it was like someone was sat on my chest. Yeah, that was the point when I was demanded to relax for the week.

I'm going to spend the week on warcraft hopefully, listening to My Chemical Romance (I haven't listened to them to cheer myself up in months and I am tonight). So the schedule?

Tuesday - hairdressers.
Wednesday - Kat's.
Thursday - gonna get the energy to see Luke before I go.
Friday - set off for Whitby.
Saturday - the wedding, lots of social interaction.
Sunday - walk around Whitby and come home.

I'm also not a virgin anymore guys... and I'm on the pill, this might be part of my stress but I highly doubt that its more than 1% of it.

(8)And if saying you loved me, made things harder at best.

You say I'm looking really bad,
you say I'm looking really sick
And I don't even care
I never really did
So when push comes to shove
and I slap you in the face
Just remember one thing...

When its time to fill the void
my whole life has been destroyed
And everyone around me says my time is running out
I refuse to surrender, I refuse to surrender

So when I'm out of control
and I'm out of my mind
Just remember one thing,
I think I'm just fine
So catch me when I fall,
I won't remember anything at all
So catch me when I fall...

When its time to fill the void
my whole life has been destroyed
and everyone around me says my time is running out
I refuse to surrender, I refuse to surrender

Woah-o, woah-o, yeah, yeah
Woah-o, woah-o, yeah, yeah

When its time to fill the void
my whole life has been destroyed
and everyone around me says my time is running out
When its time you fill the void
my whole life has been destroyed
and everyone around me says my time is running out
I refuse to surrender, I refuse to surrender, I refuse to surrender
I refuse to surrender.